Seriously

Sweltering heat covered everything, everyone like an invisible sheet that's just been pulled out of a vat of boiling water. Every breath pushed the heat further in. No, it wasn't a desert that this tale took place in, it was downtown. Here's me, wearing a baggy t-shirt, basketball shorts and flip-flops, and a squint in my eyes. Somehow I never managed to look as perfect, untouchable as everyone around me. Vanity would be the death of us, so we stick to it like church people do to God. I was waiting on a friend on a Micky D's bench, outside, a cold beer in front of me. Who drinks at McDonald's? Well, I do... it's never to early I guess. But that's the problem isn't it. My guess. I'd stayed outside, away from the cooling shelter of an industrial sized air conditioner so I could enjoy a smoke with my beer. It'd been a long time since I'd stopped feeling guilty about my vices. Now I just kept 'em in check.
It was a sight for the blind to see. Designer labels had found the new gold mine in my opinion. Make body crazy women pay a hundred plus dollars for something that barely covers your ass. Another hundred for the top, just as eye-pleasing. One fifty for sandals, high heels, of course. That's Bucharest London. Round-trip.
The clever pride themselves in their differences compared to others, the wise understand their similarities. Well, me being all judgmental, I had no idea what that made me. Probably everyone else. I wanted to be unique, to be... irreplaceable. So do we all, and in being so we become the same. Read a couple books, pick up a quote of the internet, smoke, drink, get stoned. In the end, we're still the same just with different covers. Still chasing accomplishment, pleasure, or whatever gets us off when we look at ourselves.
In proper fashion, my friend turns up twenty minutes late. Maybe this was my unique quality. Punctuality, because apparently I was the only one person left that still held by this courtesy. Or any for that matter. Call me old school, but even animals have courtesy.
Double Cheeseburger, Maxi Fries, XL Coke and two of those annoyingly hard to open mayo packets. Is it the impending death that appeals to us, or is it the fact that we think we're getting more for our money that attracts us to these places. Double, Maxi, Extra Large.... Shit, soon we'll be getting Double taxes, Maxi penalties, Extra Large anal penetration from the corporates... That's if we can make it past the next Menthol-Blast-Frapp-a-Cappucino. That's why I wanna die hit by a buss, stoned out of my mind. Firstly, it'll feel like a good idea. Second, it's quick. Not so clean, but hell, die the way you lived. A smoldering pile of decaying tissues. And to you health freaks, trust me, when you're dead you'll still end up covered in your veggie burger and tuna fish salad shit.
Fighting his way through his gigantic mass of food, my friend tells me all of his goings on, his family, his work, school, all the little things in life that make it just as Shakespeare said. A play.
Two cigarettes later, this friend of mine manages to finish his meal. I know, there's something wrong when you measure time in cigarettes. The effort itself may have saved him the calorie gain. Looking like we'd been pumping metal for the last two hours, we plowed our way through a couple of backstreets where there was a bit of shade, getting to a favorite watering hole.
“I'm hungry” he says
I'm laughing hard. Really hard.
“Corn sirup, dude.” Here's another gold mine. Sell food that makes you hungry... I've gotta find one of these...
Finally making it to the cover of trees, and with a pint in front of each other, I started feeling better. You don't need to be happy. Just at peace. Sort of. Two pints later...
“So how's your girl?” Gold mine. Suffering. People have it, live with it, fuck with it, love with it. Love it. This was the moot point of our rendezvous after all. I just couldn't stand being the shrink without having some moral support. For yours is the beer, the lager and bitter, forever and ever barmen.
“I don't know what's wrong... She's always pissed off, I think I'm losing her. I feel like I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. I'll always be wondering what if...” I gotta start charging for this shit.
“I envy you, man, I really do...”
“What do you mean? I'm dying here, man”
“Look at you, you're already drunk” I said with a grin splitting my face more efficiently than a machete could have.
“I'm allergic to hops dude, you know that!”
“Nah, you got me all wrong, I'm not making fun...You're cheap to keep.”
“Asshole..”
“That's why you love me man.”
Guys have an invisible force shield around them that's made of all forms of humor. It's great to avoid talking from the heart, speaking your feelings. Chick shit. Takes psycho-actives to roll it down. Fine by me. Two more pints later...
At last, my tongue was dancing in my mouth. Now I could give advice, now I was god of words, or so I thought. Good thing I never got caught on tape after any drinking. I like my little illusion.
“Look, about your girl, there's nothing you can do. She's already made her mind up, and it's final. The only thing you can decide, is how you come out. Head high, or up your ass.”
“Word”
“We all take ourselves way too seriously. You, me, your girl, those orange juice drinking diet-addicts in the corner. We all think we somehow can affect things. I just want to see one result from this thinking. Pride might be good, but it never saved nobody.”